New Year New Body..again!

I don't make resolutions. Simple really, I would hate to set myself up for a fall. Life is complicated and busy enough without having the little voice in my head nagging me about the "resolution" that I foolishly made on January first! So why you may ask have I decided to take part in the New Year New Body group over on the Living With Kids blog? Well it seemed like a good opportunity for me to try and shift a few excess kilos in good cyber company without the shame of a real life weigh in. It just happened to be at new year!

So what can I say that has not been said before on the subject of weight? Well probably not much, but I can tell you that in my adult life I have been every dress size from  4/6 to 18/20. That's right both ends of the spectrum and everything in between. I don't yoyo diet and before anyone starts panicking, I do not have an eating disorder!
As a chubby teenager I could never really work out why. I thought I ate well and had a reasonable amount of exercise but never seemed to be able to lose anything. Months of low fat, low calorie diets and hitting the gym 5 times a week (which I hated with a passion) and the most I ever lost was 4lbs!!! After never being smaller than I size 14 I gave up. What was the point? I love food, I love to cook. So I did, with gusto!

I slowly crept to my biggest size and hated it. I was not a happy fat girl and hated not being able to buy clothes that looked good. Unhappy with the way I felt about my body and felt so dreadfully ashamed that my thighs rubbed together and hurt on hot days. So I worked hard to get back into a size 16 and stayed that way for a while, again believing that that was what I was supposed to be. Always the "big girl". Until I met a friend from America who gave me the Dr Atkins New Diet Revolution book, which I just laughed at. Hard.
At that time in my life I was going through a really traumatic family situation and knowing that I might comfort eat I decided to read the book. It was a revelation! Could this be the answer to why I had always been overweight? Carbohydrates?? So I stuck to the plan, to the letter..the weight dropped off. The change was dramatic. I would catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and not recognise myself! The joy of my new body was amazing, shopping was fun and the attention was a huge shock.

I lived in Istanbul at the time and in Turkish society people think nothing of remarking upon a persons physical appearance. Day in day out I had been hearing the comments "oh you have put on weight", "why don't you diet?". One woman only five minutes after being introduced had the nerve to say "you would be really pretty if you lost a few kilos". Did I punch her? No. Did I want to? Umm..!
The topic of my weight was never off the agenda now..it was all anyone ever talked to me about! People who had not even glanced at me now paid attention to my new body, ignoring that the old me was still inside. This is the bit that bothers me the most. We judge others on the ability they have to control the size of the body they have. As a thin person I was treated better, paid more respect by strangers, valued more in shops. I can only conclude that this was because I was thin, nothing else had changed.

I got married in a size 6 dress. I wore a size 10 the day I found out I was pregnant. I wore a size 14 after Dodo was born and a size 16 when my marriage broke up. Now I am getting divorced and I would like to be a size 12. All of those things have changed me on the inside and now I want the outside to match.
This post has no revelations and no answers. I know how to lose the weight and I am sure you don't need another article telling you, it's January pick up any glossy mag you like! Whatever size you are, where or want to be, we all deserve to be respected and loved. So to all those trying to get the inside and the outside to match, good luck.